COMMITMENT

Goodbye February and Hello March! New month, new things-to-do. ;-)

Definitions of commitment on the Web:

• committedness: the trait of sincere and steadfast fixity of purpose; "a man of energy and commitment"
• the act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action; "his long commitment to public service"; "they felt no loyalty to a losing team"
• an engagement by contract involving financial obligation; "his business commitments took him to London"
• a message that makes a pledge

I have always been the one that couldn't say no to a responsibility and a commitment. Student Council, Vice President of a class, Class leader, group leader, Student Assistant (Admin, Marketing, Registration, Dean) and a full-time tutor of my niece and nephews. Believe it or not, I do the tasks all in one setting. Very difficult I shall say but they keep me alive. But at some point, distractions come (ex: a guy or some... ;p, misconception, misunderstanding and clash of ideas and POV's), and then imbalance takes place. When that point comes, I am not very good in handling them, so the outcome? Burned-out. And when I'm burned-out, giving up seems to be the best escape. That is how weak and vulnerable I get.

Bottom line is, as I grow older, life grows harder. And on that note, I have come up to a self-theory: Lesser commitments gives me a higher chance to be happy and be successful with what I do.

I am not saying no to anything and I'm not saying that I'm not a hard-working person cause I know I am. I'm just trying to prioritize the things that I should do at the moment. Right now, my priority is to finish school and I couldn't do that if I won't be able to concentrate on it. In a year, my priority will be work and saving up for a business or invest on my own house. "One step at a time Jo, konting tiis nalang", I keep reminding myself. Live for the moment, plan for the future and see to it that you stand up if you fall.

They say life is what we make it and I want to make mine worthwhile. :-)

THE BIGGEST ENEMY: YOURSELF

At the end of the day, you end up crying and find yourself broken again. You seek for security and assurance cause you are too afraid to face life's challenges. You take a moment of worship before you sleep cause you know that it helps ease the pain and somehow fills the void deep inside. All I'm saying here is that no matter how you avoid and compel life's challenges that you think you can't handle, you end up running to God cause you need that grace that only He can freely give. I have read and heard things about God. I have actually acted that I indeed knew but I really didn't. It only showed that I was only acting on other people's idea of Him. Not that I haven't had an encounter with the Lord before cause I know I have and I would like to think so. It is the very reason why I've been crying my heart out to Him now cause I haven't had that encounter for too long and my soul is longing for that moment again. He is the answer to all my misery and I just know that if I live in His ways, my life would be better. In a few days, I will turn a year older and I don't want to waste my time sitting and waiting for something to happen in my life. I need to act on it cause if not, I will end up in a dark place and there will be a no way out and that scares me. I can't just sit around. There MUST be something that I live for. Something that will drive me to go through this life. Some force that would keep me going in order to achieve my goals. I fervently pray that He will help me find that. I have to admit, it will not be easy especially when my biggest enemy is myself. That's it, my problem is myself and I cannot let my own self drag me to that dark place. I don't deserve that, I deserve a lot better! We all do!

The Good News

The irony of life: If you're not worried and completely lax about a situation, usually, you get bad news. But if you're too nervous about it, you get the good news. Today, I got the good news! Yey for me! Turned out that my boss understands my situation and is willing to give me a break from work until I finish Sadsign. It is a great help, not only for Sadsign, but for myself. I need more time to heal and find the love that I lost from myself. So, thank you Lord for the grace that I continually receive from You. Often times, I question you're faithfulness and presence in my life, not knowing that I am losing my faith in doing so. To be honest, I still am in that place and I want to believe that I can go out of there. Faith is nothing without works. So i'm trying and fervently praying to get back there. Your ways are better than mine and I am looking forward for them. :-)

I just have to face another mountain tomorrow and hopefully, I get the same news. Good luck for me! :-)

The Sweetest Escape

I had the bestest escape that I needed. It was a wonderfully normal Monday for me. I went to Makati and met up with my friend Josh at Coffee Bean. Talked about random but with a lot of sense stuff. Then walked to CIE to eat Kikiam and fishball. I also got to meet up with Jay who I haven't seen for the longest time. After, we tried this new place at Greenbelt called Qoola. They have the smartest serving for fro-yo. You get to have as much as you want cause it's self-service and then they charge you by the weight. Josh and Jay ended up paying a lot cause they got carried away. I was civil so i paid over 150 pesos lang. Ang saya! :-) It was all worth it. Plus, they had free WiFi! :-) I kind of felt bad lang cause I canceled the last minute on Isa and Marco. I was supposed to watch the premiere night of the movie, Valentine's Day with them. But I just had to cancel cause Tinsky took so long to land from Bacolod and I can't leave without seeing her. I was literally torn. Josh and Jay made me feel bad pa. They weren't a help at all! So anyway, I ended up staying till we met up with Tinsky na. Had dinner at Kitchen (again). We had Margarita afterwards. The best way to keep our energy up for Videoke! We sang our hearts out, especially Tinsky who claims that her voice had gotten nicer over the year. Haha.

I asked for a happy day and I got it. Thank you. You must love me. ;-)

A Sunday Treat

A couple of thoughts that came to mind today:

1. I deserve to have the good life. If anyone deserves it like the richest people on earth and those guys on the showbiz business, i'm sure i do too.

2. If i deserve it, my family does too.

3. If my family and I deserves it, the less fortunate ones deserves it too.

4. I need someone who will believe in me. Someone who will motivate me. Someone who's stupid enough to dig deeper. Someone who will fill the emptiness that I feel deep inside. Someone who will save me from falling at the edge of the cliff (which by the way, I feel I am now.) and most of all, someone who's willing to do all these things.

5. I think that no one will do number 4 for me. I mean, it IS too much to ask for to a person and even to Him (you know, after all the things I have been doing).

6. I also think that I am being too hard on myself and that I pity myself too much by making number 5. But this is why we're blogging right? We say how we feel. And I feel that way now.

7. I really need to sleep and wake up early for my class tomorrow at 7am.

8. I need to fix the things I may have left unfinished at school last week. Or disregarded so to speak.

9. I have to face them tomorrow!

10. I don't deserve anything.

It is a little bit messed up. Well, welcome to my life!

Me? Blogging?

I am a nobody (and the saying continues... 'and nobody's perfect.'). But it's different when you really become a 'nobody' to someone that actually is a somebody to you.

It's sad and pretty much depressing to feel that way especially when your heart is broken. The heart is such a valuable thing. So once it's broken, it's rare to mend it to it's precious whole again. At least that's how I think it is right now. I still want to believe in the fact that in God's time, it will be whole again. I just can't seem to see that yet.

Maybe you're wondering why the title? Well, let's just say that I am not a very good literate. I don't know how to express my emotions, thoughts and matters-of-the-heart into words. I AM short when it comes to words. People who knows me should know. But since I am at the point of my life where I realize that life is not going to be easy when you have to deal with difficult people and most especially yourself and that when I dive into that silent and dark moment before I sleep, i feel completely incomplete and alone, I start to open my mind and submerge myself to blogging instead of keeping it all in cause no one would care to find interest to what I say or think and actually understand.

So good luck with me. I am no miss-pretty-fab-witty-bright-girl blogger. I am just the exact opposite... for now.